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Why I left.
#1
Before I really delve into this, I want to clarify that I'm posting this as a way for me to cope. Yes, most of this will probably be attention whorey, but hopefully, if I clarify my problems in this post right you'll understand. Also, this might just be a random post that jumps from topic to topic, I don't know how to really convey this the correct way, but I feel that I at least owe you all an explanation. This isn't the usual me, I can tell you that. But maybe it is, maybe you all read me like a book and I just don't know it.

Let me start it off blunt. Over the past year, I have become mentally unstable. I've come to the point in my life where it's a constant battle to wrestle myself to go on another day and it hurts. Let me see if I can shed a bit more light than that small sentence. Over the 13 months I have been living up in Washington State, I've made no true friends, no experiences, nothing. Out here, I'm truly a ghost, and you know maybe that's a good thing at least for now that is. And when you're alone, the only thing you have is your thoughts at least for me that was. And to me, my mind was, and still is my greatest enemy, because what do you do with your brain? you think, and you think some more and then you begin to over think, That's what I've done. I think about my past, my actions, my personality, the way I talk, the way I breathe, walk, etc. It can drive a man mad, it really does. It's like the butcher's nails, that scratches and cuts at the back of your mind, (replacing the blood lust with an unsated overwhelming sense of regret and agony). It's a voice that's in the back of your head that will never stop talking, never stop reminding you of everything. I've done things that I'm not proud of in my time and it's caused me to become so resentful and angry, it's eaten at me till I'm now but bone and it's come to effect the way I reside within this community.

When I joined this community it was to play on HaloRp as my character Cassius Melone, I used her as an out, a proxy in a sort of way to get away from my problems. And, that worked for a little while as dumb as it sounds, the experiences and friends that she made, made me happy in an OOC aspect. But after a while that withered away as I slowly grew paranoid of PK's and my own self-image and my leading qualities within roleplay, after a while, I would dread getting on Cassius because of it. I'm horribly insecure and I care a lot about what people think about me so, hearing some of the stuff that was about Cassius really hurt me even if it was minor. And you know, there was a lot of stuff thrown around about me and It hurt a lot. But now I feel that it's time I let her go, and at the same time let myself go from this community because it wasn't just the IC aspect that caused me to leave. I don't fit in here anymore like, I stated above I've done some things that I'm not proud of, I'm some sort of sick fucking monster who does nothing but yell and scream and cause drama and undermine others, I can't live with that guilt. Maybe I'm overthinking this like usual, I do not know anything anymore. I'm broken, so very very broken. And to the people who have problems with me, relish in the fact that I'm gone, and know that even in the smallest misdemeanor that I'm sorry for it.

I don't really know how to continue this, so I guess I'd like to end it here and save it for personal talks. I'm not leaving cause of you guys, I'm leaving because I need to fix myself some way or the other. I might come on from time to help support Siphon's events but that's not likely. So goodbye everyone, and thanks for the experience.

-Toasty
#2
This is why no one should ever roleplay to fill in their needs for social reaction. It doesn't work, makes you practically autistic. etc etc etc etc etc etc (Another reason having IC relationships is silly, because it's like trying to fill that lust that you have IRL).

Go have a beer and chill out.
#3
(10-16-2016, 11:20 AM)Daffles Wrote:  This is why no one should ever roleplay to fill in their needs for social reaction. It doesn't work, makes you practically autistic. etc etc etc etc etc etc (Another reason having IC relationships is silly, because it's like trying to fill that lust that you have IRL).

Yea, what he said^


(10-16-2016, 11:20 AM)Daffles Wrote:  Go have a beer and chill out.

Who's buying? 
#4
(10-16-2016, 02:52 PM)BlueWolf-112 Wrote:  
(10-16-2016, 11:20 AM)Daffles Wrote:  This is why no one should ever roleplay to fill in their needs for social reaction. It doesn't work, makes you practically autistic. etc etc etc etc etc etc (Another reason having IC relationships is silly, because it's like trying to fill that lust that you have IRL).

Yea, what he said^


(10-16-2016, 11:20 AM)Daffles Wrote:  Go have a beer and chill out.

Who's buying? 

Not me. I'm not even coming.
#5
There's a reboot.
#6
I've had some mental issues before, this 'Great' nation of ours isn't very good when it comes to people interacting with each other. If you ever need someone to talk to hit me up.

Go out to a bar and meet some folks, just don't do anything dumb. m'kay?
#7
In the end does what the people in this community think really pose any significant value to how you protray your characters, or to you at all? I myself have created unique characters that some found questionable, and the majority found interesting. They didn't fall under the traditional Sangheili "wounded family and honor badass" background and jumped in the ship like the traditional introvert, I actually made flaws that we would see in typical every day soldier's personality. The end result? They were PK'd, one for a logical reason but the other due to the very fact that my character was trumping the others in terms of creativity; and people just couldn't /stand/ having the attention being taken away from them. Of course, these are only incidents I have experienced. Ask any of the noble ex-figureheads here and they will very much say the same parallel.

There are people in this community can kill your roleplay in their server, but not your character or your roleplay career. They may try to metastasize to other communities in vain attempt to dinish you, but your determination will always make you the stronger person. They may try to pressure you to conform to their standard of character to be socially acceptable (in this community alone), but ultimately it is you that determines its mold. No one deserves the ability to kill your creativity, regardless of how much they indulge in their false ego. Their pride only extends as far as this community, while yours (with your creativity made public) expands to much greater horizons than theirs ever will.

So why give them the power to kill your character? Why allow them to have an emotional hold over you? As much as they may think they are, they are not essential to your creativity. You can leave a roleplay community without leaving your characters behind, because your characters are your own intellectual property; not theirs. If there are people that hate your character and have successfully ruined your roleplay as them, despite how unique others have found it, it's for the community to suffer for while you flourish in your exterior creative endeavors.
#8
Shut the fuck up Sail.
You're characters were stupid.
You have a personality that kinda resembles sand paper with a little bit of fuck you on top.
You suck at roleplay.
You didn't trump other people's characters.
All you do is stroke your own dick like its the most important ego in the world.
Stop treating yourself like you are some wise old roleplay God. Because you aren't wise, old, and hardly anyone enjoyed your roleplay. Find something real that you can be proud of, because frankly no one gives a shit about your ego stroking.

You hardly even helped toasty in your reply. You just jacked yourself off with the feeling of moral high ground.

Sincerely,
Everyone.
#9
Aight. This's gone far enough.
#10
What a slaughter.
HaloRP
Field Marshal Kero 'Gransam
MP-Cpt. Jugram 'Jugo' Haschwalth
'Deicide'
Worker of Secrets
'The Almighty'


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